CIO stands for cringe inducing obstacle.

I am dead.

Scratch that.

I am tired. That's all. Not nearly as bad as dead. I think. I can't remember.

I genuinely thought I knew what being tired was before I had a baby. If I could go back 9 months to warn me...I probably wouldn't, because what would be the point of that. Live on in blissful ignorance, past me. Live on.

My baby hates sleep.

Scratch that.

My baby hates me.

Scratch that.

My baby doesn't hate anything, because he's an infant. But he isn't very good at sleeping, which means suddenly I'm not very good at sleeping, which I used to be very good at, I think. The memory issues are real. What part of your brain dies first when utterly sleep deprived? I wish it was the part that told me I was tired, but apparently that's one of the last. The first was almost definitely the part that held patience, and smartness, and words. "The itsy bitsy bug thing went up the wet whatever."

We're going to start sleep training this weekend. I hate this. I know it's certainly not the worst thing ever, and I keep reminding myself that a crying baby is better than an incapable mother, but this is truly a point I didn't think we'd come to. I have advice coming out of my ears. All given with love, of course, but still. And encouragement. The amount of encouragement I've received could soothe even the angstiest of teenage girls. But me? Over. It.

When it comes down to it, the point is right now I don't have the energy to care for my baby. He's sitting in his crib right now, refusing to nap, because I'm refusing to spend half an hour rocking him to sleep, and I'm here on my computer, and I just don't have the *ability* to deal with him anymore. He is wonderful. He is the light of my life. He is slowly killing his mother. So I need something that will work fast. And he'll cry. And I'll cry. And it will be awful, but then, please God, then it will be better.